sahm I am

I don’t know if I’ve consciously made the decision to be a stay at home mom (sahm), but here I am 6 years later, still at home, not being able to bring myself to prescribe to a fulltime job. I like to fancy what it would be like, from the comfort of my therapeutic ball chair in front of my computer. “Interior design firm seeking design assistant proficient in SketchUp.” Oooh, that sounds like fun – I could learn SketchUp! “Executive Assistant for a realty development firm.” I’d be a kick-butt executive assistant!

But reality comes crashing down and I think of the intricacies of having a being a Mom With a FullTime Job… Afterschool daycare? Summer daycare? And what do you do with a tween during the summer when you have to go to work and they’re too old for daycare but too young to stay home alone??? What about those absolutely beautiful days where it’s a darn shame to be locked up inside an office (can you tell I've worked for myself at home before)? I just can’t wrap my brain around these dilemmas, so I stay home and try not to spend money instead.

I have really bad time-management when I’m at home, too. Internet surfing is the biggest. Job classifieds, Pinterest, Facebook, Etsy, local realty listings, yes please! I could be cleaning the house, making freezer meals, working on art projects, but no – I’m sitting in front of my computer fantasizing about a life that I don’t have. Pinterest and Etsy are the worst for me. I can spend hours looking at DIY projects and handmade products, and then berate myself for not coming up with those ideas FIRST, and subsequently get NOTHING done and feel worse for it. Quoting Einstein loosely, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting different results.” I have become insane, looking for the perfect life.

(I'm a sucker for information graphics)

Instead of fighting the sahm role, I could embrace it (novel idea). I could paint and draw, refine my natural talent. I could keep myself in check by writing more blog entries. I see a summer ahead of me that could be full of proactivity (is that even a word?) or a non-scheduled mess of not-living-in-the-present. So, here it goes, *ahem*

“Hi, my name is Amber, and I have lived without a schedule for almost 10 years now. It’s a sick disease but I am facing the fact that I need an outside structuring force. Left to my own devices, I get nothing accomplished. Oh, and while I'm up here in front of y'all, I might as well add that I want a Full Time Job paycheck without the Full Time Job. Thank you."

So, today, amongst having lunch at school with Josie and bringing our dogger Abby to show-and-tell, I give myself two to-dos.

Task 1: Write down the things I want to accomplish this next week, the remainder of May, and this summer.

Task 2: Vacuum. Seriously.

-amber-