be cheerful.

What a beautiful poem. Enjoy :) amber

Desiderata by Max Ehrmann, 1927

(Latin for "Things to be Desired")

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, 
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, 
be on good terms with all persons. 
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; 
and listen to others, 
even to the dull and the ignorant; 
they too have their story. 
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; 
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, 
you may become vain or bitter, 
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. 
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. 
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; 
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, 
for the world is full of trickery. 
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; 
many persons strive for high ideals, 
and everywhere life is full of heroism. 
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. 
Neither be cynical about love, 
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, 
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, 
gracefully surrendering the things of youth. 
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. 
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. 
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, 
be gentle with yourself. 
You are a child of the universe 
no less than the trees and the stars; 
you have a right to be here. 
And whether or not it is clear to you, 
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, 
whatever you conceive Him to be. 
And whatever your labors and aspirations, 
in the noisy confusion of life, 
keep peace in your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, 

it is still a beautiful world. 

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

ode to yoga pants

I traveled hours out of town on Saturday and again on Monday, and where did I shop? A thrift store, an antique store, and Old Navy (WHY did Bozeman have to lose their Old Navy???). Some may say that it’s tragic that I had Dillards and Herbergers at my fingertips and I chose Old Navy to shop at, but I’ve got a budget, fashion police. I have come to embrace that I am a t-shirt and jeans (*ahem* yoga pants) sort of gal. I love knit jersey. I’d say I’m comfortably low maintenance as far as my clothing is concerned. The fashionistas out there might say I’ve given up. But, alas, I’m straying from the point of this post…

I’ve been very hard on myself as painting is concerned. I’m listening to those thoughts in my head that tell me I’m not good enough. I see paintings by masters who are still alive (for some reason, I think that the late masters’ levels of painting are unattainable… maybe because they had complete focus to produce their art, and we have cell phones, internet and tv to muddy our concentration?), and compare my talent to theirs. Apples to oranges – not quite fair.

Case in point: I recently finished a painting for a local competition with the final drop-off time only 3 hours away. I sat there for 1 FULL HOUR arguing with myself, “Who am I fooling to think I am good enough to enter a painting for this contest, in an art town like this?” I finally told myself to Shut Up, and I DID enter my (very wet) oil painting. Finishing the whole goal gave me the biggest boost to my confidence I’ve had in a long time. I completely forgot about the actual contest-part of the whole deal till yesterday, when I was relating my insecure moments to my friend. Where do we learn to berate ourselves so badly???

So proud of myself I clicked a pic of my painting on the way to the drop-off.

It is so much easier on our mind to choose a path that doesn’t hurt, that doesn’t make you stretch, something that is safe and comfortable. And here in lies a funny twist: Stepping outside your comfort zone doesn’t mean stepping outside your values or your core beliefs. (It took me awhile to get this… and honestly it took me awhile to figure out what my values and beliefs were.) If something doesn’t feel right and you’re making the decision to gain someone else’s approval, it’s probably going against your personal belief system (I should add that this is a *note to self*).

I’ve made bad decisions in life, career, relationships, etc – all to impress someone else. Mistakes have been made, lessons have been learned, and now I wear yoga pants everyday because they’re comfy and I’m tired of dressing in jeans to run around town when I know I’m going to come home and change anyway. Who am I out to impress? I’ve got a kid to play with, a house to clean, a lawn to mow, a canvas to paint, and a bike to ride.

On a DIY note, I saw this cami yesterday at American Eagle with a rectangular doily/hanky whipstitched to the front – we laughed because it looked like a cami with a doily on the front... but SERIOUSLY  –  I just passed up a dozen of precious doilies at the thrift store. I want to go back and pick them up. My eyes are now open to the possibilities to a doily...

-amber-

sahm I am

I don’t know if I’ve consciously made the decision to be a stay at home mom (sahm), but here I am 6 years later, still at home, not being able to bring myself to prescribe to a fulltime job. I like to fancy what it would be like, from the comfort of my therapeutic ball chair in front of my computer. “Interior design firm seeking design assistant proficient in SketchUp.” Oooh, that sounds like fun – I could learn SketchUp! “Executive Assistant for a realty development firm.” I’d be a kick-butt executive assistant!

But reality comes crashing down and I think of the intricacies of having a being a Mom With a FullTime Job… Afterschool daycare? Summer daycare? And what do you do with a tween during the summer when you have to go to work and they’re too old for daycare but too young to stay home alone??? What about those absolutely beautiful days where it’s a darn shame to be locked up inside an office (can you tell I've worked for myself at home before)? I just can’t wrap my brain around these dilemmas, so I stay home and try not to spend money instead.

I have really bad time-management when I’m at home, too. Internet surfing is the biggest. Job classifieds, Pinterest, Facebook, Etsy, local realty listings, yes please! I could be cleaning the house, making freezer meals, working on art projects, but no – I’m sitting in front of my computer fantasizing about a life that I don’t have. Pinterest and Etsy are the worst for me. I can spend hours looking at DIY projects and handmade products, and then berate myself for not coming up with those ideas FIRST, and subsequently get NOTHING done and feel worse for it. Quoting Einstein loosely, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting different results.” I have become insane, looking for the perfect life.

(I'm a sucker for information graphics)

Instead of fighting the sahm role, I could embrace it (novel idea). I could paint and draw, refine my natural talent. I could keep myself in check by writing more blog entries. I see a summer ahead of me that could be full of proactivity (is that even a word?) or a non-scheduled mess of not-living-in-the-present. So, here it goes, *ahem*

“Hi, my name is Amber, and I have lived without a schedule for almost 10 years now. It’s a sick disease but I am facing the fact that I need an outside structuring force. Left to my own devices, I get nothing accomplished. Oh, and while I'm up here in front of y'all, I might as well add that I want a Full Time Job paycheck without the Full Time Job. Thank you."

So, today, amongst having lunch at school with Josie and bringing our dogger Abby to show-and-tell, I give myself two to-dos.

Task 1: Write down the things I want to accomplish this next week, the remainder of May, and this summer.

Task 2: Vacuum. Seriously.

-amber-